Who am I? I have heard the statement from those in recovery, “I want to be who I used to be!” I always want to ask, “What about you changed? If you were so special, why did you drink yourself away?” I was not always a drunk, but I did start drinking at age 15. I’m now in my 50s. . .so what age would I want to go back to and be “the girl I used to be?”
Even in my teen and high school years, alcohol was a huge part of my life. In my junior year, I was in a play, The Wizard of Oz. I was Glenna, the Good Witch of the North. We rehearsed in the evenings. I never drank before the practice, but I remember knowing that my friends were out drinking. And I couldn’t wait to join them and get a buzz on. The evening of the play, instead of being proud that I was in a play, I was bummed. My friends could drink before they came to watch me and I had to wait till the play was over. Alcohol was controlling me, even at age 16.
I remember another time during my senior year when I didn’t try out for cheerleading. One reason was I couldn’t do the splits. But the biggest reason was I had to ride home from games on the bus. I had to wait until I was back to the school to drink, while others in my friend group partied as soon as the game was over. I used the splits as an excuse, but the truth was I wanted the freedom to drink. Alcohol was in control of me then, too.
Does going back to who you used to be mean having a couple drinks with friends, and not wanting more? Or does it mean that you can go out to dinner on a date and have a great bottle of wine, and not want more? Go on vacation and drink in the sun, and not want to drink all day and night? I always wanted more. It was the center of everything I did. Now I know I was addicted even back then and I just got sicker with age.
If I was going to recover, going back to the life of a former self was not an option. My therapist assured me that I had the ability to create the women I wanted to be, sober. I could be the mother I respected. I could have a relationship with my own mother built on trust and respect. I could be in relationships that started with a solid foundation, because I was recreating me. As I grew stronger, a new spiritual, kind, honest, loving woman was developing. A woman I could be proud of. A woman I could grow to love. It didn’t happen overnight. I work hard every day to discover her. Old habits are hard to let go of, but I am learning something new each day.
If I was going to recover, going back to the life of a former self was not an option.
During a CORE training in the Touched by a Horse Program, I was coached by one of my peers in the Program. In the piece of work I said goodbye to alcohol. I talked about all the ways it didn’t serve me; I looked at the down side of drinking. I got mad at who I had allowed myself to become. I told Alcohol that I didn’t need it anymore; that I was stronger. That without it, I would be excited about life. That I would live life as myself, not as an alcohol-induced version of who I thought I had to be. I literally kicked a red solo cup across the arena declaring to Alcohol “I don’t need you anymore! Get out and leave me alone!” Then I went into the round pen, stood heart to heart with the horse, and pledged my new faith in myself. I prayed the serenity prayer: God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. A prayer that I was taught early on in my sobriety. I walked out of the round pen with more confidence and acceptance about my journey in recovery. I knew the importance of taking care of me one day at a time, and I set an intention not to allow alcohol to control my actions and thoughts anymore. I was now in control.
That was such a powerful session with the horse and one I will never forget. It gave me the drive to share with others in recovery the healing power of the horses as a way to find strength in healing oneself.
Such a healing way has been my experience also. There’s no way I want to go back. Recovery is for now, this very moment in time. Horses know what we need and stand ready…
5mg all the way to 20mg generic cialis cost and other factors discussed in our Annual Report on Form 10-K for the year ended December 31, 2017, including in the section captioned Risk Factors, and in our other filings with the U
free samples of priligy 2003 215 Tadalafil 20 mg Sildenafil 50 mg Preference, TEAEs 3 Hatzimouratids et al
Magic Power Coffee generic cialis for sale Being diagnosed with erectile dysfunction ED , otherwise known as male impotence, can have a huge impact on the intimacy of a relationship
cialis online ordering A recent episode of a heart attack, a stroke, or cases of priapism in your medical history are also contraindications for the treatment with Cialis Super Active
The decision is this Should I do an IVF. letrozole vs clomid for fertility
Omega-3 fatty acids О©-3 PUFAs may help to improve health status in polycystic ovarian syndrome PCOS by reducing numerous metabolic disorders insulin sensitivity, hyperinsulinemia, lipid profile, obesity and inflammation. nolvadex dosage for gyno Epub 2011 Sep 6.
doxycycline side effects for dogs To investigate the possibility that muscle salvage contributes to the preservation of LV wall thickness with DOX, we examined the histological structure of 4- week infarcted hearts.