The idea of never drinking again was insane.
That I had my God, my spirituality at my fingertips to guide me to sanity was out of my awareness.
One of the ways that my addiction controlled my life was that I always had to make sure that I had a quick, easy access to alcohol. I would go to multiple stores during the week to make sure that no one knew how much I drank. Each store I approached I felt as if I could feel the clerk’s eyes judging me. Almost as if they could see right through me. I would buy gallons and hide them in my closet, refill the fifths so no one knew. I poured vodka in my diet coke bottles and carried them everywhere, so no one knew. In the end, I filled water bottles with vodka…so no one knew. The guilt of hiding and lying made my heart so heavy, knowing that I was killing myself, filling my body up with poison…searching for FUN.
As I sat in rehab, my therapist’s office and meetings, hearing myself talk — I became aware of the reality of my addiction and realized that this was not normal behavior. I was existing, not living. I became willing to do anything to stay sober.
Looking into a mirror, I could see the bags drooping from my eyes, the absence of light that once glowed from my skin. I could then truly see my reflection, knowing that I deserved a better way of living. Figuring out that I needed to make myself a priority in my life, was exciting and scary at the same time. I have this great opportunity to reinvent myself, or in other words to rebirth my true self.
Part of that journey was to learn to trust in God’s Spirit. Allowing my heart and soul to heal, one day at a time. At first, I would turn to my father, who had passed away in 1995, to be my go-to person for comfort and guidance. Then Melisa Pearce, founder and teacher of Touched by a Horse, along with one of her horses, coached me in a session by guiding me through the process of finding my Spirituality. Leaning on this big, beautiful white horse, I found myself calling out, “Why me? God, speak to me.” Feeling the power of the horse was incredibly rejuvenating. As I stood there by his side, feeling the strength of his presence. I was enlightened to the fact that God’s Spirit was with me all along, that it was not just me against the world.
Having this newfound belief within, I could start on my process of self-discovery. I now have a Spirit to talk to and to ask for guidance throughout my days. Feeling the presence of God’s Spirit around me gives me the courage, power, and strength to see that recovery is the sane way to live.
Sane…being sound and healthy in body, mind, heart and soul.