“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.” Brene Brown
As the fog started to clear inside my head, I began feeling. I was full of shame, fear and guilt for the choices I made during my Addiction. My previous reaction would have been to numb away my feelings, so having to work through them was a very unfamiliar process for me. Many times I wished I could get drunk. Thankfully I didn’t choose that option. I stepped out of the thick heavy, mucky fog and stepped into the light extremely hesitant.
The muck that weighed most heavily came with the realization of how I behaved around my children. Blessed with three beautiful children, who are now adults. I am ashamed to say that I had my priorities way out of order. I allowed them to be in dangerous situations, and I put their mother, myself, in danger.
I lived with the fact that I almost died. I knew that my heart was beating out of my chest, working to hard, still I continued to drink. Who in their right mind would do that to themselves or to their children. Never once did I think of killing myself, but in reality I was doing just that. Now I know that I wasn’t in my right mind. I have a disease called Alcoholism. I needed to get help to see it that way.
Owning my mistakes, working through the process of admission, acceptance and letting it go, was not an easy task. I am grateful for my therapist, my anonymous group and the Touch by a Horse® Program. Each helped me dissect, cut up, lay open, and sew back together a stronger, healthier journey to self worth.
Becoming vulnerable, being honest with myself and others, suffering through this process, has given me the opportunity to discover and create relationships that are built on forgiveness, honesty and trust.
I have the opportunity to connect with my precious children in nourishing and heart-warming ways. I am blessed to be surrounded by love and support today. I honor my relationships and work hard to keep them healthy, both giving and receiving respect and dignity. Having given a choice today to step back into the fog or walk, even run into the light. I choose to look straight at the sun, feel the heat of the rays shining on my face. I have had enough of the gray dreary days. Spring is starting to come around here in Michigan and I’m ready and willing to share the sunshine.