Do you tell yourself and others that your life is difficult, hard, and frustrating? Have you ever said “I hate my life?”
Is your life story one that excites you or does it bring you down? Do you tell yourself and others that your life is difficult, hard, and frustrating? Have you ever said “I hate my life?” How you look at your life, how you express yourself and describe your life, is how your life story is going to play out. If you can change your state of mind, you can start rewriting your life story.
I was living a life that was controlled by my addiction. I was trapped inside a vodka bottle. The story I was creating inside my head was that I had to drink in order to enjoy life. Alcohol was my life. I was full of fear thinking about a life without drinking, so I stayed sick, not wanting to face my fear. My story was unfolding in an unhealthy way. The story I told myself was that I needed to drink in order to enjoy life.
I surrounded myself with friends, laughter, food, and cocktails. I was living the dream: lake house, nice car, stay-at-home mom (kids were 18, 20, and 22). I could hang out in the sun all day and sit by a campfire all night. What people saw on the outside was a great life, fun and exciting. What I was living with on the inside was sickness, dependency, and fear. I knew I needed help, but I was so afraid of what others would think of me, what my story would look like to others, that I stayed sick. I was living on the edge of death daily, too fearful to ask for help.
My story started changing the day I faced my fear and began changing my state of being. I had to get sober in order to stay alive, and I finally realized I wanted to live more than I wanted to stay drunk.
Until the pain of change is greater than the pain of no change, there will be no change.
Driving to the rehabilitation center was one of the most fearful moments of my life. As I got closer to my destination, my body started reacting to the fact that I hadn’t had a drink in an hour. I wanted to run the other way, stop, and get a bottle. But I did not. By the time I was checked into my room, my body was shaking and my heart was pounding out of control. I felt like such a failure and I hated how my life story was unfolding.
My story changed daily, one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. It got better, then a lot worse, then better again as I returned to my journey into recovery. As my head started to clear out all the fuzzies, I started to dream again. The first dream I spoke out loud was to one of my therapists in the program. One of his tasks was to take us walking outside. What I noticed was how beautiful everything was around me. I felt a sense of peace being outside. Not only was I sober; I also felt healthier and I was enjoying the walk. My dream was that I wanted to offer this sense of well-being and peace to others who had to stop drinking, too. I didn’t know how, but I knew then it would be a part of my new story.
My story is unfolding daily and I work hard at creating it. I work to give it meaning or significance. I keep it exciting so that I stay passionate about creating it. I make sure it stays in line with my values, the foremost being to give to others. The horses help me make tough decisions and find answers that are heartfelt and honest. They help me stay focused and connected to my heart.
What’s your story? Is it one you’re proud to tell? Or is it a story you would like to rewrite? Join me and my horses on Memorial Day weekend and start writing your new and exciting story.