As the sun goes down the sky is turning a beautiful orange and red and the pasture is glowing in the brightness of the setting sun. Beauty is all around as the day is coming to an end. You can sense quietness in the air. But my head will not shut up. It’s conjuring up all sorts of what ifs, should I’s and could I’s.
I have wasted so much time worrying about all the possible things that might happen in my life, how to handle them if they happen and how they will affect me if they do. Then, if that’s not bothersome enough, I worried about the opposite effect: what if they don’t happen? What then? In my busy head living in the moment is not an easy task.
In my past I would have had either the television on or the radio blasting, just so I wouldn’t have to listen to the constant chatter in my head. I didn’t like what it was saying to me in the silence. Things like: I can’t believe you’re dependent on alcohol! What kind of a person/mother/wife are you? Really, Kathy, did you drive home with that many drinks in you? You are such a fool. Why can’t you just drink a few? Do you have to get wasted? Did I really do that?
Unfortunately, the fear of answering all those thoughts and questions kept me drinking rather than being a driving force to quit. By the grace of my God, I did quit and I have been able to work through the negative, shameful thoughts and actions that my addicted life lead me into. My head doesn’t continue to mull through them, because I was able to work through them with my coach, therapist and my regular meetings. I was willing to do anything and everything to clear my head so that I could replace the negative thoughts with kinder and gentler ones.
I haven’t been able to stop my head from thinking too much, but today I have tools to quiet my mind and put the thoughts into perspective. I start each day with daily messages, reading excerpts from four separate books; invariably one or all of them seem to talk to me in my present state of mind. They are constant reminders that this too shall pass, to be good to myself and to know that I am important. I forget these things some days and I need to be reminded to listen to the positive voice within.
In the craziness of the days, it’s so important to take the time needed to pamper of ourselves, exercise our bodies and feed our minds. Each morning I have the pleasure of walking out to the barn. I can hear the horses nickers and neighs, eager for their morning meal. I look up to the sky, spread my arms wide, and breath in deep, filling my lungs with fresh air, grateful for all that I have been given. Without my sobriety I would not have any of this.
Today I enjoy the quiet, in my stillness I find answers. Be excited to wake up as the sun is rising and be ready for a bright new day. If your head is screaming at you to get healthy, listen. If your heart is heavy, lighten it. You deserve to be happy and healthy. Benjamin Franklin said, “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you could do today.”
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