Guest Blog by Anonymous
I’ve always woken up and wondered which morning was going to send me into such a depressive spiral that I would decide to only choose to wake up and feel good. When I would stop giving myself excuses.
There’s been many times I’ve stumbled into my apartment alone and drunk. Not just my current apartment but many places I’ve lived. Stumbling into the bathroom so I can make myself throw up, just then maybe the hangover I have in the morning would be less. Many people have told me, just throw up, it works for me. I’m less hungover in the morning. Or at least I can feel somewhat alive the next day. I’ve listened to their advice like it’s normal. Like getting so drunk and making yourself puke is actually the best way out. Not like “hey, maybe you should take care of yourself more” just puke. That’s the answer.
I’ve always woken up and wondered which morning was going to send me into such a depressive spiral that I would decide to only choose to wake up and feel good. When I would stop giving myself excuses. I guess the excuse I’ve always found is that I’m not like them. I’m not my Mom and I’m not my brother. I don’t have nightmares, night sweats, middle of the night scares where I wake up panicking because there isn’t a bottle next to my bed. But what if your expectations of yourself are different? What if the night terrors for you are actually just the moment you’re sticking your finger down your throat? Or the morning after when you can’t think straight? Or the feeling of having all the energy and life drained from your cells? What if your moment isn’t the same as theirs? What’s your moment and when? Maybe it’s when I’m 30 or 40.
Or never. It could be never.
My brother, a man in my life that terrified me at times, or at times was sweet and let me sleep in his bed when I was scared of the dark. Someone I went most of my life never believing I would look up to, but someone who I would always worry for, always have to take care of. Now 2 years sober he said something to me that spoke to me. When questioning him on whether or not he would choose to be sober still if he knew all he did now, with or without a problem. He said, “If you’re unhappy. If you do not feel good just fucking change it.” Simple, right? How could something you read in different wording on every billboard, self-help book, every inspirational speech finally get through to you. It’s the fact it came from him. Someone who did change it, someone who tells you with strength and honesty that it’s actually true. That I can change to be who I want to be right now. Not when I’m 30 or 40.
Or never. Never. There is no never.
I want to feel the fire inside myself now.
I want to feel alive, at every moment. Not just when I’m sleeping on the hard ground and staring at the stars. But when I love my partner, when I’m in class, when I think of ideas that are worthy of pursuing. I want to do everything I said I was going to do. I want to ride my bike, make kombucha, pickle onions, write down my story, remember memories, talk to people, grow food, smile, be healthy, yell with excitement, kiss my friends, be inspiring, climb mountains, feel free, feel full of fear and then let it rush out of me.
I want to feel the fire inside me.
Share YOUR Story as a Guest Blogger
Stories are powerful — they can educate, they can inspire, they can change lives. Knowing you’re not alone in this journey is critical in a successful recovery. I have been sharing my story on this blog for over a year now and I have seen the impact of story on the lives I have touched. Now, I’d like to invite YOU to tell your story on my blog and have that same chance to change lives — including your own.
Here’s the scoop:
- Stories can be published anonymously, so there’s no need to worry about backlash.
- Anyone who submits a story will receive a package of three 30 minute phone coaching sessions with me.
- I will hold a drawing for a session “in the barn” with the horses for one lucky local participant!
- To submit your story, send an inquiry email to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will guide you through the process.