I guess you could even say that my life was like a romance novel. The man in the story, let’s call him Miller (short for Miller Lite) was my addiction, my best friend, my lover.
One of my favorite pastimes is reading. When I was drinking the only books I could concentrate on were romance novels. I’d start one in the morning and read throughout my day, stay awake until 3 a.m., close the book with a smile and dream of having a life of happily ever after. I was fantasizing what it would feel like to have happiness and excitement in my life, but not willing to change anything.
As my drinking progressed, I read less and less. Reading became another one of the things I used to do. I put the bottle first and everything else I enjoyed became less important. I guess you could even say that my life was like a romance novel. The man in the story, let’s call him Miller (short for Miller Lite) was my addiction, my best friend, my lover.
Miller was one of those friends that my mom and dad warned me about. “He’s no good for you, Kathy,” they’d say. “He will only bring you trouble.” So, of course, I had to meet him. Our first date was at a drive-in theater. I snuck him in, hidden in the trunk. It was love at first sip. I had a crush on him right away. He made me laugh, feel giddy, made my whole head light with excitement. Miller was someone that I definitely wanted in my life. He was so much fun to be around. I was obsessed with him.
Now my best friend Miller came along with me wherever I went. I was able to talk and act differently knowing I had him to lean on. He gave me courage and helped with my feelings of shyness and discomfort in a crowd. I loved how he made me feel. I could face anything as long as he was by my side. I didn’t want to ever lose his friendship.
I was gradually coming to the realization that possibly this relationship might not be good for me. I was starting to do things that I knew were wrong and I longed for more excitement in our relationship.
I started fantasizing more and more about Miller. I was totally and completely in love with him. He became a part of my every thought, my every action. I called him when I was sad, mad, happy, or glad. He was with me through every celebration, always adding another level of excitement to the party. I was obsessed with him. I thought I had to have him next to me at all times and that without him I didn’t know who I was. We were one. People started telling me that my relationship with Miller was unhealthy. I couldn’t see what they were seeing. I was blind to all of his bad habits. Friends and family kept telling me that I needed to break up with him, but I ignored them all, because I was in love with him.
As time went by, we started arguing more and more. I was gradually coming to the realization that possibly this relationship might not be good for me. I was starting to do things that I knew were wrong and I longed for more excitement in our relationship. I wanted to be happy, but spending time with Miller was becoming less and less fun.
I put myself through a lot of pain, coming to the conclusion that I had to let him go. I had to ask for help, professionally and spiritually. I took him back once thinking this time it would be different, but it wasn’t. I had to let him go for good. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life — letting Miller go — but it was also one of the best decisions I ever made.
I am grateful that reading is a big part of my recovery. I don’t usually pick up a romance novel these days, but pick up books that are inspirational and exciting. I read stories that help me grow, to become a better human or to learn more about horses; or that bring me to a place of wonder and excitement. I am creating a new life, where Miller is not my main character. I am.