I never realized how much I depended on Alcohol to help me though all areas of my life. My best friend went everywhere with me. As a young girl, I used it to hide my shyness. To make me feel more like I fit in at parties and events. I took it to movies, ball games, bowling, friends house, shopping, dinner…you name it if I was attending or going anywhere it, my best friend, Alcohol, would be with me somehow.
I didn’t know how to exist without it. Picturing my life without Alcohol was just not possible, I was scared, sad and depressed. The thought of dealing with life on life terms, just didn’t sound FUN.
I started my courageous journey into recovery by going to a rehabilitation program for 30 days. I needed it to help me detox safely and to learn some basic techniques on self-care. Leaving there are stepping into my “real” life was scary, to say the least. I didn’t know who I was anymore.
The things that I took for granted like waking up and grabbing a cup of coffee, I could now enjoy. But things like watching television, going to the grocery store, getting gas, going out to eat, visiting friends, you name it, there is a visual reminder of alcohol everywhere. I remember that when I went out to eat, I knew what table in the restaurant was having martinis, beer or wine, and how many they had while I sat there. As hard as I tried, my eyes focused on what I could not have, and made my everyday activities miserable.
Those days of early recover is not something Ill ever forget. There’s a quote by Friedrich Nietzsche, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” I believe this wholeheartedly. Reaching my rock bottom, remembering what it was like, gives me the strength to stay sober.
I am learning that my dependence on Alcohol stopped me from getting to know who I truly am. I get the opportunity today in recovery to look deep within my soul to choose to follow my heart. Being in the round pen with a horse, having them feel my heart’s energy, guiding me to see my truth, allows me to make the right choices for my life.
My best friend turned out to be my enemy.
Are you finding yourself with a friend that is not worthy of your heart?